Naughty Boys Have More Fun
by Lady Serena Sparrow
Summary: Okita and Hijikata have always hated each other but now the rivalry has placed Yamazaki in the middle of a vicious tug-of-war. What's a poor Jimi to do?
1. Chapter 1

**Hello again everyone! I'm back so soon eh? I just couldn't help myself. The idea has been with me for a while and even though I should be working on my other stories…(sweatdrop)…I just had to write this one! I worked on it all day and it turned out really different from how I had originally planned, but that's ok! I have learned that when it comes to writing…it's best to just go with the flow! Please enjoy and review! I looooove reviews! I may or may not make this a multi-chaptered story! Reviews would help me decide!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own the characters of Gintama…who would murder me if they read this. LOL. Especially Hijikata.**

**Warning: Yaoi! Smut! Lime! General perversion!**

**Naughty Boys Have More Fun**

**a.k.a. there's nothing wrong with being a pervert…unless you are a Sadist**

Yamazaki fell to the ground and landed hard on his back.

"Itai! Fukuchou…what are you doing?" he whined.

Hijikata towered over him and merely stared. Yamazaki shivered at the strange glint in the Vice-Commander's eyes. He had a bad feeling about this…

"Ya-ma-za-ki…be good and stay quiet for once. If you disobey me, I will punish you," Hijikata growled.

Yamazaki knew he was completely serious so he immediately nodded. Honestly…how had it come to this? One minute he was walking innocently down the hallway tossing his badminton racket back and forth between his hands. If the Fukuchou saw this he knew he would be in trouble. Then, just as he turned the corner, he saw a quick glimpse of Okita-taichou's face before everything went white. The next thing he knew, he was being dragged into Hijikata-Fukuchou's room. With the way Hijikata was staring at him, he could only wonder what he had done wrong this time.

______________________________________________________________________

Okita stood outside of the room with a video recorder. He snickered quietly as he peeked through the slit opening of the door. At just the right moment, he planned to slide the door fully open and "catch" them in the act (the recording would serve as blackmail in the future). The look on Hijikata-san's face was sure to be hilarious. Okita's mind frolicked in his fantasy world of Hijikata suffering as Okita took over his position as the Vice-Commander of the Shinsengumi. In this world, Okita had the love and adoration of everyone and for some reason…Yamazaki was dressed in a wedding gown as he walked down the altar to marry Okita. Well…he figured that an M like Yamzaki belonged with an S like Okita. Snapping back to reality with a tiny blush on his face, he returned his attention to the sounds coming from the room.

"Ah…Fukuchou…what are you going to do?" the terrified spy asked.

Hijikata smirked and continued to take off the jacket of his uniform. He had already placed his shoes and sword off to the side and ordered Yamazaki to do the same.

"Ano…I really should take a shower first ne? I'm starting to feel really sticky," Yamazaki meekly spoke up once more.

He knew he had to stall until someone could arrive and save him! Then, Hijikata took off his pants and licked his lips as he began to advance on his prey. In that moment, the poor Jimi realized that nothing short of a natural disaster or a terrorist attack would stop his demonic superior!

Yamazaki knew he was grasping at straws as he pleaded, "Umm…Fukuchou…please don't do what I think you're going to do. You're not thinking clearly! You're not yourself! You don't want this...err…me! Waah!"

And so…the adorable Yamazaki was devoured by the demon. Okita smirked as he listened eagerly. Here is what he heard:

"Fukuchou, you're kind of heavy…could you please get off me?"

"No. Now shut up."

Some whimpers and then a gasp.

"Ahh! What was that?"

"You cannot seriously be this naïve! That was my tongue you idiot!"

"Gomen…it's just that I have never been in this kind of situation before."

Hijikata snorted.

"And you think I have? Just stay still and be quiet. This will be over soon. Besides…who says you won't get something out of this too?"

Okita could make out the adorable blush on Yamazaki's face. No wonder Hijikata-san couldn't keep his hands off the idiot…the sounds he made were quite delectable as well. Ohh…naughty thoughts.

"Ah! W-wait…stop! That feels weird! Why are you licking there?"

Slurp. Moan. Chuckle.

"Baka…there's no way I'm going to stop now."

Yelp. Growl. Sigh. Gasp.

"Fu…ku…chou. Please…"

"Please what?"

Moan. Slurp. Pant.

"Please…don't stop. Give me more."

Silence…and then…

"OUCH! Did you just bite me?"

"What? You asked for more aho! Anyway, you taste so good I couldn't help myself."

Whimper. Sniffle.

"That really hurt."

"Stop whining."

Another sniff. Sigh.

"I promise I won't do it again ok?"

"…ok."

"Now that that's settled…let me finish my meal in peace!"

"WAAAH!"

**Twenty Minutes Later…**

Okita stood in the doorway with a severe nosebleed and wide eyes. The camcorder lay on the ground…forgotten. Yamazaki sat in his undershirt and boxers with a dazed look in his eyes. Hijikata stood by the open window smoking a cigarette.

"About time you showed yourself Teme. What's wrong? Did you think you would catch us doing something indecent?"

Okita's eyes narrowed and he scoffed as he turned his glance back to the spy. Yamazaki's body was shining with what Okita deemed to be saliva. He watched the black haired uke slowly put his clothes back on.

"No, Yamazaki…go take a shower first," Hijikata drawled as he exhaled another puff of smoke.

Yamazaki quickly nodded and fled the scene without even glancing at Okita. As soon as he was gone, Hijikata threw down his cancer stick, squashed it, and turned to face Okita with a fierce glare.

"If you ever pull a stupid stunt like that again…I will make you suffer."

Deep down, Okita was shocked to discover that he was actually frightened of the Demon Vice-Commander. However, he knew he could never break character in front of his enemy so he responded as usual, in monotone.

"Hmm…and here I was doing you a favor. I thought you would enjoy the new version of the Hijikata Special. The Mayora and the Jimi make an interesting pair."

Hijikata reddened deeply and his hand twitched as he fought the urge to grab his sword and cut the brat to pieces, "Sougo…I'm warning you…"

Okita then grinned before he turned and ran out of the room yelling without a trace of real fear in his voice, "Someone… help! The demon Mayora King is on the loose!"

The men watched in amusement (and slight fear) as Okita ran with the furious Hijikata on his heels.

"Sougo…get back here!"

As Okita ran, he came upon the now-clean Yamazaki and came to an abrupt halt. He suddenly reached out and swiped a white substance off of the spy's neck, making him blush. Okita put his finger in his mouth and sucked greedily with his eyes closed. It made a sensual picture and Yamazaki felt a rush of blook travel downward. Woah, where was this coming from? Hijikata stood behind Okita, panting and glaring as the sadist moaned wantonly.

He popped his wet finger out of his hot mouth and said, "Yum. Maybe mayonnaise isn't all that bad…but only if it's on you Zaki-kun!"

He leaned forward and placed a peck on Yamazaki's lips before he turned and skipped away whistling. Yamazaki's eyes rolled to the back of his head and he fainted, while Hijikata stared after Okita with his eyes burning in rage.

"SOUGO!"

**LOL. I can't believe I just wrote this. WOW. Actual smut between them! About time eh? I went for humor and innuendo and smut. Did it work eh? So, for further explanation in case I wasn't clear enough: Sougo threw mayonnaise all over the poor unsuspecting Zaki and when Hijikata saw this…he snapped and took advantage of this opportunity! Now, did they actually do the deed during those twenty minutes? I'll never tell! Mwahaha. Review please and let me know if I should make this a collection of one-shots! All with Hiji/Yama/Okita of course.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter two has arrived faster than I thought it would. I suppose this can be read as connected to the previous chapter, or you could see it as another story. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Gintama.**

**Warning: Shonen-ai/yaoi/slash. Swearing. **

**Naughty Boys Have More Fun**

**Chapter Two: Gorillas Don't Serve as Good Mediators**

Hijikata fumed silently while Okita stared blankly at Kondou. The Commander of the Shinsengumi had just ordered them to spend the day together…without killing each other. Hijikata had snorted and Okita had gotten a strange gleam in his usually dull eyes. Despite his apprehension, Kondou, in all his Gorilla glory, puffed up his chest and spoke firmly.

"If you don't follow my orders and learn to get along…not only will you be suspended from the Shinsengumi…I will also allow the men to sell Yamazaki to the first perverted old man they see."

The looks of abject horror on Okita and Hijikata's faces encouraged him to continue, "Toshi…Sougo…I'm sorry, but your fighting has got to stop. I'm doing what I think is best for everyone."

"Kondou-san…how the hell is this best for anyone? And selling Yamazaki would be beneficial to no one. He's completely useless and a total idiot. No pervert would want him anyway," Hijikata spoke coldly as he stood and turned to walk away.

"Hijikata-san shouldn't speak so harshly about the one he wants to impregnate with his demon child. If you're not nicer to Zaki-kun…you might lose him to someone else," Okita said lightly, but the threat was clear in his tone.

Hijikata flinched and stopped in front of the door. He clenched his jaw and gripped his katana, but he knew this was not the time for rash actions. Murdering that annoying brat would have to wait.

"Kondou-san…I'll try my best, but don't expect any miracles. If this plan of yours falls apart…and I know it will…Yamazaki should not have to suffer the consequences."

With those blunt words, the demon vanished.

Kondou sighed and returned his weary gaze to his other "problem child", who surprisingly had his head down with his chin to his chest, "Sougo…why do you insist on baiting him?"

He was met with an uneasy silence for a few seconds before Okita mumbled, "Kondou-san."

"Yes, Sougo?" he grimaced as dread began to fill him.

"I'll do what you ask…but since I cannot make any promises…I need you to do something for me."

The dread grew as Kondou noticed the dark aura forming around the younger man.

"What?"

"If we fail…you will not sell Yamazaki."

Kondou blinked, completely in shock, before he said, "Why would you say that? You sound like you actually care for him."

Okita raised his head to meet his mentor's gaze. His dark red eyes glowed and Kondou could feel the same piercing terror Okita's victims endured seconds before they met the end of his blade (or bazooka). The Gorilla was extremely close to pissing his pants (in fact, he realized that he might have) and his face paled. Were those fangs growing out of Sougo's mouth?

"I care because Yamazaki is MINE and no one else is allowed to touch him," the bloodthirsty sadist declared with a twisted smile.

Kondou could only nod dumbly, but it served to soothe Okita's qualms, so the Captain rose elegantly to his feet and left the room while whistling cheerfully.

"Bye-bye Kondou-saaaan!" he sang.

Kondou Isao (the strong, brave, and kind-hearted leader of the Shinsengumi) was later found curled up in the fetal position under his desk

He was sucking his thumb, shaking in fear, and crying, "Otae-san! Save me!"

Meanwhile, the subject of this controversy was busy shirking his duties along with a group of fellow Shinsengumi members. Yamazaki was tired from a long day of avoiding work and playing badminton by himself in the park, so when one of his few friends invited him out for drinks, he figured he might as well enjoy himself for once. Besides, he figured, nothing he did ever pleased Hijikata-san anyway. Ah, just thinking of his beloved Fukuchou sent a sea of butterflies into his stomach. If only he wasn't so cold…

"Yo! Yamazaki! Go get us some more sake!" one of the burlier guys called to him.

The spy nodded and got up quickly, but he was already tipsy from the few drinks he had, so he lost his balance. Luckily, he fell back and was caught by two strong arms. In his alcohol-befuddled mind, Yamazaki briefly wondered if there was a chance that the pair of eyes glaring furiously down at him actually belonged to Hijikata…but he pushed that aside and stupidly smiled at his rescuer.

"Ah…thanks! I think…drank…much," he struggled to form words, but it was so hard to focus.

The stranger (who of course was really Hijikata) seemed to stare at him contemplatively for a few seconds before he heard a sigh and felt those strong arms squeeze him tighter and pull him closer in an almost protective embrace. Yamazaki felt his face burn and he wanted to speak up, but everything was so fuzzy and this person felt so warm. He wanted to just fall asleep in this man's arms…consequences be damned. His body went limp and Hijikata groaned as the spy's weight fell completely onto him.

"Wake up idiot…I'm not going to carry you," the stranger hissed, clearly annoyed with the situation.

Yamazaki was in the process of trying to snap out of his stupor when he heard the bar go quiet. He blinked as some of his awareness returned to him and finally stared up at the face of his rescuer.

"Hijikata-san?" he asked and his skin paled dramatically.

The Demon Vice-Commander then did something no one would have expected…he smiled.

"Ya-ma-za-ki! What did you think you were doing? All of you bastards! Get back to headquarters right now! You are all breaking the rules so you have to go perform seppuku right away!" he roared.

As the men scurried away, they all released a sigh of relief. Hell had not frozen over. The only ones left in the bar were Hijikata and the still out-of-it Yamazaki. Even the owner of the establishment had evacuated to seek shelter.

"Fukuchou…is that really you? I'm not dreaming?" Yamazaki whispered as he fought to stay on his feet and keep his eyes open.

Hijikata's glare suddenly disappeared and warmth filled his eyes as he opened his mouth to respond, but he was cut off by the loud voice of his enemy, "Aha! Hijikata-san I found you! I should have known you would be here…seeking solace in a bottle of sake. Oh…is that Yamazaki?"

Hijikata's grip on Yamazaki tightened even more, causing the spy to wince at the slight pain, and he turned his most heated glare onto the amused face of Okita.

"Sougo…you bastard…what are you doing here?" he said.

Okita smirked and fully entered the bar. However, Hijikata and Yamazaki nearly fainted at the sight of his bazooka being dragged in behind him…along with a trail of blood dripping from the Captain's sheathed sword. Just what had the mad man been up to before coming there?

"Okita-taichou…is that…blood?" Yamazaki asked hesitantly.

Okita shrugged and answered curtly, "Maybe. It's not mine so it doesn't matter."

Yamazaki's eyes widened in horror and Hijikata groaned. This was definitely going to be troublesome.

"So, Yamazaki…what are YOU doing here?" Okita chirped as he plopped down on a stool at the bar.

The spy bit his lip and was about to answer when Hijikata spoke up, "I asked you first. Were you following me?"

Okita gazed darkly at the nervous Jimi and the expression held something akin to lust which sent a flame of desire throughout Yamazaki's body. He blushed and turned away. Completely satisfied with the adorable and entirely too appealing response, the sadist turned his attention to the seething man before him.

"Why Hijikata-san…do you want me to stalk you? You'd be sad if I told you it was only because of our mission wouldn't you?" he said coolly.

Hijikata was burning…itching…desperate for something (anything) to help stop him from tearing the seemingly-indifferent bastard to pieces. He suddenly saw slight movement beside him and noticed that Yamazaki was trying to sneak away. He was still under the influence and was not being stealthy at all….some spy indeed.

"Oi. Get back here idiot. I'm not through with you yet," he ordered.

Yamazaki jumped as though he had been bitten and quickly pivoted on his heel to return to his superiors, but he had not seen the empty bottle by his feet and ended up tripping over it. He closed his eyes and prepared to meet the floor face-first, only to open them again when he felt a firm chest catch him instead. That same warmth from earlier flowed over him and he felt completely at ease in the arms of his hero. However, when he raised his head from the floor to look into the eyes of his savior, he felt his breath leave him.

"Are you okay Yamazaki?" the concerned voice of Okita reached his ears, but he could only continue to fall hopelessly into the depths of those warm eyes.

Hijikata-san was always so cold even though Yamazaki had felt warm in his arms, but Okita's eyes betrayed an emotion so powerful that Yamazaki felt as if he was staring straight at the sun. He was melting and there was nothing anyone could do to stop it. Okita held back the grin he longed to release as he realized what was happening. The adorable spy was falling for him…and Hijikata was there to watch it happen. Nothing could rain on Okita's parade now…not when he finally had in his clutches the key to Hijikata's downfall.

**Bwahahaha! I really loved writing this! It was not on my schedule for this week but I just couldn't resist. Please review and let me know what you think! I hope to write more soon! Love you guys!**


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